It all started on Saturday. My husband Suraj and I were having a lazy Saturday and I was craving for some good ol’ naan and curry. Luckily, Suraj never says no to Indian food. Being the snotty restaurateur I am, dear hubby left it to me to find a proper takeaway in Colchester.
Now herein lies the problem: finding quality eats in Colchester is like finding a needle in a haystack. One assumes that living in England where chicken tikka masala is practically the national dish, it would be easy to find good, cheap Indian takeaways. Surely, it should be easy, right?
Wrong. DEAD wrong.
The majority of Indian takeaways slather their food in heavy cream, add ridiculous amounts of caster sugar to their curries, and their naans are like papadum – crispy to the bite. I mean… Sweet curries and bad naan to pair it with? It’s so wrong, so very wrong indeed.
Still, Le preggo in me wanted curry, so we ordered from Ashiana, which was rated the best Indian in all of Colchester.
LIES! FOUL MOUTHED LIES!
I honestly wanted to cry. It was horrible and a terrible waste of food and money. The chicken tikka was sickeningly sweet as if they had poured white sugar into it. The saag paneer didn’t even have any paneer – it was a mixture of spinach, heavy cream, and mozzarella cheese. How you gonna pass off mozzarella as paneer? Are you joking?! Don’t even get me started on the naan. Gimmie a refund!
Certainly not what I expected from what was rated on Yelp as the best Indian in Colchester. Shame, as the people who worked there were so nice. I was hoping for so much more.
I mean, they even messed up on the raita. How do you do that?! It’s yogurt, cucumber, jeera powder and dhaniya powder. HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP.
This calls for a Russell Peter’s meme:
As we unhappily ate whatever our stomachs could manage of Colchester’s botched attempt at Indian takeaway, I made a vow to right the wrong my taste-buds had been exposed to. If Colchester isn’t going to provide delicious Indian comfort food, I’m going to learn to make it!